great fundamental principles of all railway
management), which I have gathered, from
time to time, from the lips of that august
gentleman himself. Arranged in some show
of order, they appear thus:

First. Compel everybody, if possible, to
travel by first-class. "For this purpose,"
observes my model director, "I should be
careful to make all second and third-class
carriages as uncomfortable and as much like
horse-boxes as possible. They should be
draughty, dirty, angular, and constructed upon
principles most antagonistic to the human
leg. I should instruct porters and guards,
upon all occasions to place more than the
complement of passengers in carriages of this
description, and to give the occupants to
understand that they are socially and morally
second and third-class people, and of no
account whatever. As the only means left
to me for counteracting the foolish consideration
of a government, which has ordained
that two cheap trains shall be run upon all
railways daily, I should arrange the arrival
and departure of these trains at times most
inconvenient to third-class people; making
their arrival at any given station at any given
time, a very hypothetical matter indeed. The
sausage-rolls in the second-class refreshment-
rooms," continues Mr. Browne, "should be,
upon principle, more indigestible than those
in the first, and the young ladies behind the
counter, if possible, more morose; but these
are secondary considerations, and not of
absolute necessity."

Second. Extract as much work out of as
few men as possible. "Whatever staff I might
be compelled to support at the termini of my
railway, I should, at all small intermediate
stations," says Mr. Browne, "employ one
extraordinary man. His duties should consist
in attending to the multitudinous requirements
of the booking-office; in superintending
the working of the signals, distant
and near; in receiving and answering
telegraph messages; in a general fluttering
about all passenger and goods' trains upon
their arrival; in keeping a paternal watch
upon his six children; and in being ready to
undertake any little occasional business which
might accidentally turn up. He should be,
as a matter of course, capable of existing
without sleep, and should swallow what food
is requisite to sustain life upon the ticket
platform."

It is one of the most striking results of
railway enterprise, Mr. Browne informs me,
that a man of this description can be
procured at any time for the comparatively
moderate remuneration ot eighteen shillings
paid weekly.

Third. Never listen to the suggestions of
the public on the subject of railway reform.
"Engendered of these noisy times," says
HowardPlantagenetBrowneBrowne,Esquire,
"there is a number of people who are
perpetually perplexing themselves and everybody
else, by the invention of all manner of
mechanism for the prevention of accidents on
railways. If it should unfortunately happen,
that a boiler bursts, they inundate whole
columns of the newspapers with elaborate
descriptions of Jones's Patent Safety
Locomotive Boiler Regulator, which renders it
impossible that a boiler, under any
circumstances, should explode, and Jones's Patent
Safety Locomotive Boiler Regulator becomes
a horrible incubus to the directorate breast.
If a train should, unhappily, be upset by an
erratic cow, the same process occurs as to
Smith's Stick-fixing Cow Trap, as used with
the greatest success upon all American
railways. Is it a signal which is at fault, a switch
that is wrong, or a tire that is the cause of
accident? then are we forthwith assailed with
Robinson's Self-acting Infallible Railway Signal,
Brown's Compensating Swivel Points,
or Thomson's Patent Electro-Galvanic Engine
Tires, all of which inventions, in their
respective departments, are infallibly
calculated to prevent accidents, and ought (the
noisy public inform us) to be instantly
adopted by all railway companies in the kingdom.
Now, I need not tell you," continues
my friend Browne, "that in the nature of
things there MUST be a certain percentage of
accidents on railways; and that this
percentage having been reduced on the Great
North and South Junction to a minimum,
we have too great a respect for Providence
to listen to these uneasy patentees."

Fourth. Make as many branches as possible.
"This," observes my model director, with
an immense assumption of having mastered
the subject, "is so self-evident a proposition
that I shall not waste words upon it."

These constitute a few of the principles
advanced by my model director as the true
foundation of all railway prosperity. If any
others are wanting to establish his right to
the title I have conferred upon him, they are
shortly:

Never give up a parliamentary contest
(the North and South Junction Railway
Company have expended more hundreds of
thousands of pounds upon this expensive
amusement, than I should like to name).

Never kill a bishop; and,

Pay a dividend. Whatever happens—or
from whatever source it may be derived—
pay a dividend.

I never argue these matters with my
friend. I am very much disposed to think
that it would be a work of supererogation to do
so, and I moreover appreciate the privilege of
enjoying my cigar in the carriages of the
Great North and South Junction Railway
too keenly to make the attempt. Under
shelter, however, of an anonymous publication,
I think I may venture to make a few
comments upon the principles advanced by
him. As thus:

Assuming it to be a physiological fact,
quite beyond the province of Mr. Browne and