so that I became alarmed for what might
possibly follow, and begged her not to think
of doing it again: offering to feed her myself.
Feverish, thirsty, and weary as I felt at that
table, I could scarcely suppress a smile when
I found myself, spoon in hand, administering
portions of food to the newly-made wife.
Never having had, at that period of my existence,
any experience in feeding babies, or
other living creatures, I felt at first much
embarrassed, somewhat as a man might feel
who, only accustomed to shave himself, tries,
for the first time in his life, to remove the
beard of some friend in a public assembly.
Fortunately for me, the lady was blessed with
a rather capacious mouth; and, as I raised,
tremblingly and in doubt, a pyramid of fowl,
ham, and onions, upon the bowl of the
Britannia-metal spoon, my patient distended her
jaws in a friendly and hopeful manner.

During my spoon performances I was much
startled at hearing, close to our door, the
loud report of several guns, fired in quick
succession. I imagined at first that the military
had been called out to disperse the mob,
but as nobody gave signs of any alarm or uneasiness,
that could not have been the case; so
I settled in my mind that the friends of the
family were shooting some game for the
evening's supper. All that I partook of at
that bridal party was a small portion of very
lean, dry beef, and some badly boiled potatoes,
washed down by a draught of hard, sour
beer. I essayed some of the pastry, for it
had a bright and cheerful look, and was
evidently very light. I took a mouthful of
some description of sugared puff, light to the
feel, and pleasant to look at, but in reality
a most heartless deception—a sickly piece of
deceit: it was evidently a composition of
bean-flour, brown-sugar, stale eggs, and cocoanut
oil; the latter, although burning very
brilliantly in lamps, and serviceable as a
dressing to hair, not being quite equal to good
Lucca oil, when fried or baked. To swallow
such an abomination was impossible, and,
watching my opportunity, I contrived at
length to convey my savoury mouthful beneath
the table. This vile pastry was succeeded by
a plentiful crop of fruit of all kinds, from
pine-apples to dates. Hecatombs of oranges,
pyramids of plantains, shoals of sour-sops,
mounds of mangoes, to say nothing of alligator-
pears, rhambatams, custard-apples, guavas,
jumboes, and other fruits, as varied in name
and taste, as in hue and form, graced that
hitherto graceless board. I had marked for
immediate destruction a brace of custard-
apples, and a glowing, corpulent alligator-
pear, and was even on the point of securing
them before attending to my dark neighbour,
when a loud shout, followed by a confused
hubbub, was heard outside in front. There
was a cracking of whips, and a rattling of
carriage-wheels, and altogether a huge
commotion in the street, which at once put a stop
to our dessert, and attracted attention from
the inside to the exterior of the house.
My spirits revived from zero to summer-
heat, and thence up to blood-heat, when I
learnt that the arrivals were a batch of
"Europe gentlemen," friends of the cook's
master, who had come just to have a passing
peep at the bride and the fun. Their approach
was made known by sundry exclamations in the
English language, and a noise as of scuffling
at the door. How our new friends were to
get in, was a mystery to me; nor did the host
appear to have any very distinct ideas upon
the subject. He rose from his seat, and, with
his mouth full of juicy pine-apple, ordered a
way to be cleared for the "great masters;"
but he might as well have requested his
auditory to become suddenly invisible, or to
pass out through the key-hole. There was
no such thing as giving way: a few of the
first-cousins grinned, and one or two maternal
uncles coughed audibly, while the eyes of
the distant relations at the window glistened
more intensely, and in greater numbers than
ever. The stock of British patience, as I
rather expected, was quickly exhausted near
the door, and in a minute or two I perceived
some white-faces, that were rather familiar
to me at a certain regimental mess-table.
Uncles and brothers-in-law were rapidly at
a discount, and there appeared every prospect
of mere connexions by marriage becoming
relations by blood. Some giant of a native
ventured upon the hazardous speculation of
collaring an officer, who was squeezing past
him, and received a friendly and admonitory
tap in return, which at once put him hors
de combat. The cook, enraged at the rudeness
of his countryman, dealt a shower of
knocks amongst his family circle; the visitors
stormed the approaches, and at last carried
the covered way; Cingalese gentry struggled
and pushed, and tried in vain to repel the
invaders; the fair sex screamed, and tried to
escape; the mélée became general and furious.
I gave my whole attention to the bride, who
kept her seat in the utmost alarm; her
husband was the centre of attraction to the
combatants, and in the midst of a sort of
"forlorn hope" of the native forces, the
heavily loaded table was forced from its
centre of gravity. Staggering and groaning
beneath the united pressure from fruit and
fighting, the wooden fabric reeled and tottered,
and at last went toppling over, amidst a
thunder-storm of vegetable productions. It
was in vain I pulled at the unhappy bride,
to save her; she was a doomed woman,
and was swept away with the fruity flood.
When I sought her amidst the wreck and
confusion, I could only discover heaps of
damaged oranges, sour-sops, and custard-
apples, her white satin shoes, the Chinese
fan, and the four silver meat-skewers. By
dint of sundry excavations, the lady was
fairly dug out of the ruins, and carried off by
her female friends; the room was cleared
of the rebellious Cingalese, and a resolution